On Being a People Pleaser

What exactly is wrong with people pleasing? Why should the words, “s/he´s just a people-pleaser” carry such negative connotations? What´s the alternative – be a people-pisser-off?

Pleasing other people is a wonderful thing to do – as spiritual beings having our human experience, it´s our duty to please each other as much as we possibly can. What we give out, we get back multiplied after all, so it makes life better and more pleasing for everyone. Which is all well and good, but the thing to bear in mind is this...it´s not the actual act – the thing you did or didn´t do, said or didn´t say to the person you pleased – it´s the energy, the motivation behind it that matters. In other words, if your heart isn´t in it, if you don´t genuinely mean it, then you are not acting as your authentic self and in the long run, this pleases no-one. Least of all the Tao.

I suppose what it all boils down to is self-worth. We find ourselves agreeing to things, smiling when we don´t mean it, keeping quiet because we don´t want to rock the boat, letting people off the hook because we´re scared of the consequences if we don´t. We´re scared of disapproval, of confrontation, of being considered mean, of making a fuss and it´s easier to just grin and bear it than to be true to ourselves and do (or not do) what we know is right for us.

But, like I said, people-pleasing for the wrong reasons is fuelled with negative energy and serves no positive purpose whatsoever. Not even to the person you supposedly “pleased” - whatever it was you did to please them is cancelled out by the negativity surrounding it – your feelings of resentment, anger, frustration etc towards them, and eventually, in one guise or another, those energies will come full circle and have a detrimental effect on everyone concerned.

So, it´s best to start by working on your feelings of self-worth. Remind yourself as many times as you remember through the day (and this is a good one to do whilst looking at your own reflection in a mirror) “I matter. I count. I am worthy.” Once your subconscious mind has processed and accepted this as truth, you will naturally know your own worth and feel more confident in declining to please people for pleasing people´s sake.

There will still be times, no doubt, when you find yourself confronted with a situation and you´re teetering between doing what feels right to you and taking the so-called “easy” option and people-pleasing. Try to remember that what this actually is, is a gift from the universe or the Tao, an opportunity to put your best authentic self forward and to act from the heart no matter what other people may think.

And if, now and again (as we all do), you do find yourself agreeing to people pleasing – well, so what? Don´t beat yourself up. Try to look at the situation differently – do whatever it is with as much of your heart as you can and, above all, do not harbour negative thoughts or feelings about the person or people involved. It´s a lesson, a chance for you to get clearer about what is and isn´t right for you. To boost your self-worth. And perhaps next time, you´ll feel more confident about putting your own feelings and truths first.

Remember, when something makes you feel heavy or resentful, your inner voice is trying to tell you you are off-kilter here and no-one benefits in the long run. However, when you are filled with love, lightness, joy and a deep sense of gratitude in being able to be pleasing or helpful to someone – that´s for everyone´s highest good, and opportunities like this should be actively sought out and carried out unconditionally as much as possible. To genuinely please someone is a gift – not just to them, but to you too. It raises your energy vibration and just makes you feel darned good!

But remember above all - you are worthy. You do count.

Yes, I´m talking to you.

And I´m not just saying that to please you. :)

Speaking Your Truth

OK, I will be the first to admit that, half of the time, I don´t even know what my truth is. I get confused, you see. I like to listen to other people – their opinions, their beliefs, their ways of doing things – and even though, sometimes, these can be completely at odds with my own take on life, I still find myself wondering “hmmm, what if?”

I don´t suppose it´s necessarily a bad thing – being able and willing to see things from someone else´s point of view and taking on board someone else´s opinion. Flexibility is always preferable to a rigid mindset, otherwise we´d never learn or move on. But there comes a point where we have to assimilate all the evidence then ask ourselves what it is we really think of the situation.

It doesn´t matter if you´re dealing with something “minor”, like cancelling the party all your friends were looking forward to because you just don´t feel like it tonight; or if it´s something “big” such as a life-changing experience you´re about to embark on that you know your family and friends won´t understand or approve of. Trying to explain to people the reasons why you have made a particular decision, or chosen a particular path – speaking your truth in other words – is not an easy task.

The first thing that happens is that we start to imagine the responses we will get when we do speak our truth. The criticisms, the ridicule, the anger, the hurt we are sure we will be confronted with. And that leads on to us rehearsing our retaliation – we start to focus on justifying ourselves and being all defensive. We´re more concerned with being “right” than simply explaining how we feel. Unfortunately, the more time and energy we spend in these negative fantasy scenarios, the less connected we become to our truth – to our real motivation for the decisions we´ve made – and the less connected we are to our truth, the less we are able to speak it clearly. What a horrible vicious circle!

The most positive thing we can do – and, in fact, the fairest for everybody involved – is to consciously stop those imaginary confrontations as soon as they start to take over your mind. Breathe deeply and ask your higher self or the Tao to remind you, once again, of your truth. You may find the babble of doubt still continues at the front of your brain for a while, but keep breathing and listen for the quieter, less frantic, gentler voice of truth to whisper its reassurance to you. The more you can tune into this, the clearer your true intentions become and the more likely you will put across your truth, when it comes to the time to speak it, in a calm and confident manner – rather than in a shrill, confrontational, defensive one. Now, that is definitely better for everyone concerned.

At the end of the day, our fear of speaking our truth, or rather, our fear of being misunderstood or criticised, stems from our fundamental need to be approved of at all times. If we can move beyond this, we begin to see that whoever it is we are speaking our truth to, whatever role they are playing in our lives – they have the right to think whatever they want about us and our choices, they have the right to react however they choose. This is not a “to hell with what everybody thinks” type of attitude – this is pure and simple respectful honesty (in sharing your truth with them) and trust (that they´ll deal with it in the best way they can). In other words, you can only speak your truth; you cannot be responsible for other people´s reactions to it.

As much as we´d all like to be all things to all people, to please all the people in our lives all of the time, we have to accept that this is unlikely to be possible. As long as we are not harming another living being on the planet, we are all free to take whatever path we choose, and this is worth us all bearing in mind.

The less judgemental we are ourselves about other people and their decisions, or their truths, the more acceptance we are likely to attract into our own lives.

Living in the Present Moment

In a Stephen King novel I read recently, one of the characters says “whatever I do, I rush through so I can do something else.” And I knew exactly what they meant – don´t you? If I´m catching up on e-mails, I´m thinking I´d best hurry up so I can clean the bathroom. If I´m doing Qi Gong exercises, shouldn´t I really be doing Yoga? If I´m reading, why am I not writing? If I´m watching a movie, am I missing out on some sparkling night out? I´m even writing this, wondering if I shouldn´t be preparing dinner by now. And I really need to empty the washing machine. And what about that short story I started a while ago.....

In NLP there is a thing called the Time Line. Some people when they think about time as a line (in their mind´s eye) see the past as a point to the left, running to the future which is a point on the right, with the present right in the middle (sometimes left-handed people see it the other way around). Other people see the past as a point behind them running in a line to the future in front of them. This latter group are usually the best at being present, fully engrossed in what they are doing at any one time. Needless to say, I belong to the former – and I´ve found it does help to consciously change the way I visualise time (from side to side to front to back)...when I remember to do it!

There´s a lot to be said about living in the Now, not least of which is the fact that you really do feel more alive. When your mind is all over the place, flitting from one thing to the next, you tend to miss out on what is actually going on right now. The simple fact is that, in any given situation at any time, there is a whole world of beauty, a whole host of things to notice and to fascinate us, if we will only stop for a second and appreciate them. When you think about it, it´s actually quite rude not to and can in fact, be dangerous. Doesn´t it worry anyone else that you can drive a route you take regularly, and not remember the journey when you get there? It´s like sleepwalking and leaves us feeling at best dissatisfied and at worst out of control and vulnerable.

When we are fully present, living consciously as much as we can, we feel more in control, things stop just happening “to” us and our lives become fuller and brighter. The best way to settle ourselves down when our heads start spinning with all that we should be doing, rather than enjoying where we´re actually at, is plain and simple breathing. Honestly! Within seconds, if we focus on our breath, slow it down, make the inhalations and exhalations of equal duration and breathe deeply into the abdomen, everything kind of slots back into place and before you know where you are, you are right back where you are. Doing whatever it is you´re doing. Couple this with the affirmation that you are always in the right place at the right time doing the right thing with the right people for the right result and you´re onto a sure-fire winner. And once you´re back in the zone, in the Now, it´s a good idea to take a look around – notice something you hadn´t seen before about the room (or wherever) you happen to be. Notice how you´re feeling. Notice how the energy feels. I´m willing to bet a small fortune that something new will reveal itself to you, and you´ll find yourself smiling, happy to be exactly where you are and filled with the wonder of it all. Of being alive.

At the end of the day, it´s handy to remember that time is only an illusion anyway – created simply to stop everything from happening all at once and making an almighty mess. Thinking about this for too long, however, can really screw you up, so don´t try to understand how and why – just realise that Now, this very moment is the only thing that is real, the only thing that matters, the only thing you truly have and this should be enough to humble us all into appreciating it and everything that it is bringing to us. Now.

Bear in mind that the Universe or the Tao is communicating with us all day long, and the only way we can hear & see the magic and the messages for our highest good is by being alive. Right here, right now.

And now, if you´ll excuse me, I´ve got to go and get dinner on!

Keeping Yourself Protected from Negative Energy

The first thing that we really need to get to grips with here, the most important thing to understand, is that energy – negative or otherwise – only ever comes our way as a direct reflection of what energy we have been putting out. What you put out, you get back. Usually multiplied. Think negative thoughts about someone – in other words, put out negative energy – then that negative energy will bounce right back to you (and not necessarily from the person you directed it to in the first place). The flip side to this, of course, is that all good & loving thoughts/energy you beam out will also return to you multiplied. So, you see what I´m getting at here – making sure you keep your thoughts positive and kind is a key factor in keeping you protected from negative energy.

But, come on, there are inevitably times when we feel downright bloody-minded and end up having a good old bitching session about this person, that situation. None of us are saints (and if there are any saints reading this, please get in touch and I will re-write this column!) and living in the World of the Ten Thousands Things (as the Taoists call it) can be confusing, fearful, frustrating and annoying – all the things guaranteed to get our negative juices flowing. All we can do is to be aware of the thoughts and energy we are projecting and if they are not so positive once in a while, to refrain from beating ourselves up and simply acknowledge the fact we are having a bad hair day, then consciously beam out some good vibes to get our balance back.

So whilst it certainly helps to be aware that, on a deep level, we are responsible for all the energy coming our way, I´m sure we´ve all had times in our lives when we´ve been on the receiving end of some-one´s negative energy (a psychic attack, as it were) and we haven´t a clue why. Why should it be that the first time you meet a particular person, you feel hostility emanating from them straight away? Why does this other person always somehow make you feel inadequate, or wind you up? You know the type of thing I´m talking about. Maybe it´s just their issues, perhaps they´re jealous of you, perhaps you inadvertently once said something they took exception to. Who knows? Shit happens. But the one thing we can be sure of is that we will receive a gentle warning from the Tao – a kind of “watch your back here” sensation. And this is tricky, because I believe all of us are a bit paranoid at times and we need to distinguish between the incessant chatter going on in our heads that tells us we are unworthy and the world is a hostile place full of hostile people, and that quiet voice that whispers only truths for our highest good.

The more we can be tuned in at all times to that little voice, the more protected we will be from negative energy. See my article on “Intuition Rocks” for a more in-depth explanation, but in a nutshell, anything in your head that sounds harsh and shrill and makes your stomach flip in a sort of “oh no” fashion is more than likely to be “monkey mind” and should be viewed with suspicion. Anything that comes through quietly and calmly, more from the back of your mind rather than the emotion-fuelled front, and gives you a comforting sense of “a-ha” will be what you truly need to know. The more meditation you do, the more you focus on your breathing (deep into your abdomen and not shallow in your chest), the more Yoga, Qi Gong & Tai Chi you can incorporate into your daily life, the more easily you will be able to attune to your inner voice and the clearer all things will be.

Affirmations and visualisations, as always, are wonderful tools. Start each day visualising a rose-coloured light emanating from your heart. Watch it as it expands and forms a bubble around you. Charge it with the power to allow in only good, loving, healing vibes and to bounce back to the universe any negative energy that may come your way, for it to be refined into something more positive. Then affirm as many times as you can as you go through your day - “I am safe and divinely protected always”.

And it will be so. For you and everyone you come into contact with.

And so it is. :)

Miracles

The first thing you should know about miracles – and this may come as a bit of a shock – is that they are, in fact, quite natural and not really miraculous at all. Now I´m not dissing miracles here – far from it – I´m merely pointing out that miracles are not just random things that happen to us if we are extremely lucky; no, miracles are (or can be) a standard part of our everyday reality. They are our birthright – a gift from the Tao that we can tune into and instigate whenever we want.

And if we do want to do that, we need to get back into miracle-mindedness – stop seeing miracles as things like winning the lottery or getting your kids to do the dishes, and focus instead on the mind-boggling fact that you are currently on a planet hurtling through space at an astonishing rate of knots and, against all the odds, you are ALIVE. That, my friends, is a miracle! Once we´ve had chance to digest that and fully realise its significance, then we start to see miracles all around us every day and the more we can live in a state of miracle-mindedness, the more miracles come our way.

Of course, there are always times when something happens in our lives and we need a big, fat miracle to help us out. To instigate a miracle, affirmations work really well. Try something like “I am now instigating a miracle in my life to resolve (state issue) easily and gracefully” or more simply, just “I am now expecting miracles in my life”. Then perhaps try a spot of visualisation – seeing yourself in your mind´s eye, excited and grateful at said miracle having occurred and your life now being more in flow as a result – you don´t need to know what form the miracle will come in (in fact, don´t even try to guess – it´s the Tao´s job to sort out the finer details and it might find it quite rude if you start interfering) – just focus on the sense of relief, thankfulness and excitement you will undoubtedly feel once it happens. Then, just get on with your day. Don´t worry about it, don´t even think about it too much, just trust that a miracle is on its way and will occur at exactly the right time. This is difficult, I know, but try to think of it like ordering your food in a restaurant. Once you´ve told the waiter what you want, you don´t keep jumping up every few seconds and dashing to the kitchen just to make sure the chef´s got the order and is preparing your food right, do you? No, you just assume everything is being handled behind the scenes, you relax and look forward to your meal -and the same is true of miracles. Expect them and they will come.

Life was never meant to be a struggle. The Tao knows that and miracles know that, it´s just we humans who have forgotten. Let´s all try to remember as often as possible now, that it is perfectly all right to ask for help, and it´s perfectly all right to expect that help to come to us by way of miracles – it´s what they do best, after all!

And who knows...the more of us bringing miracles into our lives, the more positive energy we will be spreading and wouldn´t that make a better world for everyone?

I´d say so.